Prince of Darkness: Yesung

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Kim Jongwoon(김종운)/ Yesung (예성)

Birth Date: August 24, 1984

Job description: Super Junior’s top vocal and member of Super Junior ‘s ballad group Super Junior K.R.Y. Promoter of father’s WHYSTYLE glasses brand. Co-owner of coffee shop Mouse Rabbit.  Came back from the military in early May without a peep.

First Impressions: Emo; Big Head, Small Hands; Weird; Dr. Strange; Creeper; Business Sense; Sing, Yesung, Sing!; Just now getting the appreciation he deserves; Spazztastic Dancer; “Never challenge Yesung to a staring contest;”

Aliases: Cloud, Fail! Yesung

The Good: Yesung (real name Kim Jongwoon) wouldn’t need to act if he was cast as a serial killer.  The setup:

It’s around 9 o’clock at night (the streetlights are on). You’re coming home from a [insert movie, performance, Congress session, etc]. You turn onto the wrong street. Then you turn around and there he is right at eye level, staring you down like a cheetah. You’re too stunned to react because you’re mesmerized by his dark pair of eyes. You hear the faint clink of a kitchen knife being removed from its sheath before he stabs you in the chest until you lose consciousness. When you fall to the ground, he watches your body twitch for a few seconds; then you’re dead. Finally, he reaches down and touches your philtrum and records a name for you based on how it felt. He leaves your body where it is and places the knife back in the sheath. He re-enters society and walks to where he earns supplementary income to offset his medical school bills: the butcher shop. Enter the Nightstalker!

A visual example:

Oh HELP.

Oh HELP.

Look into my eyes.

Look into my eyes.

"I think I'll call him..."

“I think I’ll call him…”

"No one will ever suspect me in this getup!"

“No one will ever suspect me in this getup!”

Though one could make an argument that Super Junior as a whole is offbase, Yesung truly holds a monopoly on weirdness. He keeps turtles as pets (sure, he has two dogs, but 3 out of his 5 pets are cold-blooded reptiles). His reason for getting his first turtle: loneliness. On an episode of Explorers of the Human Body, the host asked some of the members of Super Junior and DBSK what activities they did when they are younger. The answers: Samulnori (사물놀이; traditional Korean drumming). Soccer. Math Olympiad. Yesung’s answer? “I collected bugs.” All with complete seriousness. Okaay…  His hands are so small that he has a death grip on the mic when he sings.

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These prints speak for themselves.

Then there’s his fetish with philtrums, or the nasal septum. Oral testimonies from the other members and video footage usually portray the victim’s face contorted with terror as Yesung’s finger tries to pull a fast one before they fully realize what is going on.

He even has his own style of dancing:

In reality, Yesung poses no serious threat (or is that what he wants us to think?). The only part of Yesung that could kill you is his voice- his stage name isn’t “vocal cords of an artist” for nothing. Among ELF and others, Yesung’s voice has been known to cause a variety of reactions ranging from tears to sexual frustration. He can sing any song, in any genre, but his talents clearly lie in ballads.

For a while though, for reasons unknown, Yesung was often heard and not seen. Truth be told, Yesung’s voice is a critical but sometimes unappreciated part of SuJu’s songs.

The Bad: Yesung has a lengthy rap sheet of molestation charges, most of them filed by a Mr. Choi Siwon. The molestation includes unwanted philtrum touching and sneaking into the members’ rooms and touching their lips. For this reason, several members have joined Mr. Choi and filed restraining orders against Yesung. It (mostly) worked for all but one: the original plantiff Mr. Choi Siwon. Asked why he has failed to comply with the restraining order placed against him by Mr. Choi, Yesung confessed to developing a particular liking to Siwon’s lips.

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The court is afraid that Mr. Choi Siwon might never be free from Mr. Kim Jongwoon’s ministrations.

*******

"Now don't go away..."

“Now don’t go away…”

 

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2 thoughts on “Prince of Darkness: Yesung

  1. I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. I don’t know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!

  2. Pingback: The Super Junior Guide | SEOUL'd OUT

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